I first used the Internet in 1998, to find out about overseas travel. I was recently widowed after 17 years and had no friends to speak of. I visited the ‘Thorn Tree’ at Lonely Planet.com…the ladies message board. I was quickly contacted, by an American gentleman, with whom I struck up a friendship. (I should have asked myself why he was reading the ladies message board!) I then gained confidence and joined an instant messaging service and ‘met’ another American man, who was a teacher. We both shared an interested in the American Civil War and during our conversations, he pointed me in the direction of an online forum with a St. Louis newspaper. I made friends with quite a few of the ladies on that forum. So much so, that when I visited the United States in 1999, I was greeted with open arms by them. Some of those friendships are still in existence – some are not, for various reasons.
When I returned home after my visit, I found myself spending more and more time on-line. My chance of making friends in my hometown became less and less, as I found myself preferring the company of my cyber companions. On the insistence of one woman, who thought I needed the interaction of like- minded people, I joined another online forum and, for 2 years spent more time there than was really healthy, but did enjoy it. It was as if I had another family…to the detriment of my real children and grandchildren.
I lived for my time online. I would spend the majority of my day and night, with my cyber friends, only stopping to sleep briefly and work, when I had to. It was a wonder I found time to eat. I spent my hard- earned money on another trip to the US to attend a Gathering of the people on the forum. I also visited a friend in New Mexico and saw a part of the world I would never have seen otherwise. I also got to see Philadelphia and Boston, staying with forum friends.
Fortunately for me, I actually met my fiancé in the forum I belonged to. He is another Australian, so it was a lot easier for us to actually have a real life relationship.
One thing that made itself very evident to me, was, that if a person is unsure of themselves, socially, or has problems relating to others, it’s very easy to lose your true identity and ‘become’ your online alter ego. I found myself nearly incapable of leaving the house, except for the most routine things. It would take an empty refrigerator and store cupboard, before I could go grocery shopping …and then only at night when there were few people in the local store. I had become a virtual recluse, relying solely on the net for friendship.
Meeting my partner was my salvation…he decided that I needed to leave my safe haven and move to Sydney to be with him and further my writing career. The writing is in the doldrums at the moment, but the rest of my life is wonderful.
I had days (and still do) when I can’t get beyond the front gate, but I’m much better than I was. I have a life separate from the Internet and spend less and less time online.
I have friends, who are the way I used to be. I want to say “Get off line, go get a life!” but when you live in a small isolated community, or a huge city, as some of them do, it’s a pretty hard.
The Internet is seductive, it allows you to talk to people all over the world, without leaving your chair. It woos you into thinking that you are actually interacting, when in fact you are just as alone as you were before you switched your computer on.
While I have met some wonderful people in actuality, because of the net, I’ve also met some people I would much rather forget. It’s easy to be taken in by someone who professes friendship after a few exchanges online. There is no substitute for actual face to face meetings.
I’ve learned to be a lot more selective in whom I speak to. Life is too short to waste on near-do-wells and con-artists. It cost me a lot of money before I learned that lesson.
If you have a problem with forming friendships in real life, please, be very careful. Limit yourself to the amount of time you use the net…other than for work or resources. It’s a great tool, but a very demanding master.
Posted by Midus at June 21, 2004 02:02 PM