May 2000

I’m wandering around the house
with a duster in my hand, trying
to control the accumulating dust.
Attempting to undo the ravages of
wind, dogs and neglect.
It’s a thankless task
there’s only me to see
the end results.
Anyway it won’t stay clean
for long
it’s a far cry from the sparkling
glass and crystal I took such
pride in polishing until it shone.
Where has that pride gone?
Oh, I know I’m talking to myself
but I thought
today being your birthday,
I might just have a word.
I don’t know why I bother
you’re not here, nor have you been
for coming up two years.
I’m trying to vindicate myself
to me.
I’d meant to give you
flowers for you birthday,
but it rained
and it I just couldn’t see the point
in getting soaked putting flowers
on a box of ashes in the ground.
I’ve not forgotten
just moved on.

I prefer daydreams
I can turn them off at will or return them
to a more pleasant path if they detour
from where I want to go.
Dreams? I thought I’d stopped dreaming
then I found love again
Well, it found me, I wasn’t looking for it.
Sure enough back they came to disturb
my sleep and leave me drained
tossing and turning in disbelief
that my uncontrolled mind could take me
on such a rollercoaster ride
I hate rollercoasters!
The gut wrenching, drops, the G-forces
imprisoning me on one terrifying spot
long enough to see distortion in myself.
Dreams huh? They take my longings
and turn them into enigma. Puzzles
twisting and turning into mazes
where I’m lost. and no one provided
a map!
Infinite variations on a theme intent on losing me
Personally I love Rachmaninoff’s Rhapsody
on Paganini’s Theme but I seem to be stuck
with Elgar’s variations of his own enigma.
Dreams huh? Windows of opportunity?
I’ve heard them called that, but I can’t see
through mine. I wonder how you clean an
intangible?
Occasionally, just occasionally, I find a dream
I don’t want to leave, beautiful, overflowing
with peace and loving and then the alarm rings
and the snooze button won’t work!